Believe it or not there is actually a question that is best left avoided when you head out on a first date. When I tell you what it is it might actually surprise you, because it is not what you think and the topic for this week’s blog acts as a cautionary tale for all of us in the world of online dating.
I posed the following question to a guy friend of mine the other week who has been dipping his toe in the singles dating pond, ‘what’s the one question from women on a first date that really winds you up?’
His answer….. ‘When they ask me what I do for a job.’
I looked at him eyebrows raised and somewhat quizzically and couldn’t understand why this seemingly innocent question was obviously like a poison apple. So over a fantastic keralan chicken take out we discussed the reason why this question is seriously taboo on the dating circuit.
On further investigation, it transpired that there are in fact a whole plethora of questions that are more likely to sabotage a first date than to send you both off into the sunset in each other’s arms. Between us, we came up with just some of the real situations below (and yes they are totally cringeworthy!);
- How come you’re single?
- What are your plans for the future?
- What happened in your last relationship?
- What is your ideal date?
- Do you still speak to your ex?
- Would you have sex on the first date?
My companion for the evening admitted on one first date the girl he met asked him if he had any ideas as to where their relationship was going. He was so shocked by her forthrightness that he excused himself there and then because there was no chemistry at all on his part and she made it very clear she was in for the long haul.
As he put it to me…’there was no point flogging a dead horse and she’d only be really disappointed that I lied to her.’
The questions above might seem a really obvious dating faux pas to make, but just why is asking someone what they do for a job so wrong? Well, in all honesty, it sends out the wrong signals.
If your date replies with the answer that they have a high-powered executive job it may well lead to the assumption they are wealthy and in return implies that you are materialistic and motivated by money. You may well be, and that’s your choice but as first impressions go it probably isn’t the one you want to make. Your relationship should be based on personality, shared interests and chemistry not whether or not you wish to hire this person. First dates are awkward enough without asking the above question – and does it really make a difference if he’s a labourer or a lawyer?
There’s a fine line between getting to know someone and digging a little too deep, so try to think before you speak. When getting to know your date it is important to remember that there’s much more to us than our professions and lots of people don’t define themselves by their jobs at all.
If you really want to get to date number 2 then may I suggest you stay well away from asking the killer question above as well as some of the other bizarre options listed!
Have you been on a date lately where the questions have veered into the bizarre? We’d love to hear your tales and pet peeves.
For years, I went on date after date. Some of these dates turned into relationships, but none of them lasted more than a few months. I’d describe myself as your average girl next door, fairly pretty, reasonably funny, independent and with a healthy social life. So why wasn’t I connecting with any of these men? We got on really well, often had many things in common, but somehow I always ended up single again. What was I doing wrong? I decided to do go all Sigmund Freud on myself and started to analyse my most recent (and what I would consider more serious) relationships. I really wanted to know why these relationships never went anywhere.
Date No 1 – Eric
Eric and I had so many things in common, he could have been a male carbon copy of myself. We both loved photography, the outdoors and shared the same taste in music. We could talk for hours about our favourite bands, artists and places. We had so much fun together, so I didn’t put much weight on our sex life being on the snooze end of the sex scale but honestly, we simply had no chemistry in the boudoir. Looking back I am not surprised we stopped seeing each other and I’m glad Eric was brave enough to end it. Had he not done so, we may have ended up settling for something that just wasn’t right.
Date No 2 – Mark
The relationship with Mark was the polar opposite to the one with Eric. Mark and I enjoyed many steamy, sweaty and exhilarating romps, but our conversations resembled short awkward mumbles of teenagers at their first school disco. We didn’t have anything in common and frequently argued about trivial things, only to end up in bed again. I have to admit I had felt a great sense of relief when he stopped calling me, thereby ending our sexventure.
Date No 3 – David
David and I met at my weekly yoga class. We got talking, spend many afternoons putting the world to right over our soy lattes. It was evident we had great connection on a spiritual level, yet just like Eric before, we didn’t click in bed. We cuddled, snuggled and tried often, yet it was all too clinical. We soon parted ways as a couple but remain great friends to this day. Looking back, David was only ever going to be a mate but I didn’t want to see it at the time.
So, what do all these relationships, or more importantly their failures, have in common? I had connected on an intellectual level, on a physical level and on a spiritual level yet somehow, I finally realised, I never connected with any of these men on an emotional level. I guess, I never really wanted to in the first place because I was afraid I was going to get hurt again.
As soon as I had realised this, things started to change for me. Suddenly I was no longer afraid to say how I felt, what I liked and what I didn’t like in a relationship. I felt confident asserting myself in my relationships, without drama or judgement and before I knew, I had made a connection. With a man. My man. Michael and I have now been together for 5 years and we couldn’t be happier. I asked him the other day what had made him fall in love with me in the first place and he simply said: “You showed me your heart.”
I guess the moral of the story is, if you hide your true self from the world, you also hide yourself from your true love.
Have you been struggling to connect to men in the past? What do you think is holding you back?
If you and your ex are now happy campers in Friendsville, you won’t need to read today’s blog (but you are still welcome to of course). If however the split is still raw and you are struggling to come to terms with it, then tread carefully my friend as you could be opening up old wounds and adding fresh ones if you don’t avoid these 7 text traps:
1. Pet names and terms of endearments
Your ex is your ex for a reason. They decided that they no longer want to be with you and no amount of Snookiepops or Diddikins calling is going to change that. The truth is, they have moved on and it’s time you do too.
2. Blowing off steam
This is the flip side to my first point. Sadness is often followed by anger and you really want them to feel just how much they’ve hurt you. But sending rude or angry messages serves no purpose other than to validate his/her reasons for breaking up with you in the first place. And all this is going to make you worse. Instead pour your heart out to someone who you trust or punch a sofa cushion until you feel better.
3. No response nagging
If your ex hasn’t answered to your first text, we are pretty certain they don’t want any contact with you. They’ll have their reasons and for your own sanity, respect them and stop texting.
4. Reminiscing the past
This is similar to point 1, as in you are still holding on to the past. Lamenting about your lost love should be reserved for your diary or closest friends, not the one who broke your heart.
5. “Thinking of you” messages
Of course you are! It’s normal but your ex shouldn’t hear about it, they lost that right when they left you. Go out and live your life and soon you’ll forget about him/her altogether.
6. Sexting / Nude pics
This is probably the worst thing you can do – to yourself. Desperate measures often lead to further heartbreak. Avoid at all costs.
7. Pleading with him/her
It’s hard to accept that the person we love, doesn’t love us back. It sucks, we understand. But you need to ask yourself, if they broke up with you once, is getting them back going to solve anything? Things happen for a reason and you may simply not be right for each other. The other person has just come to the realisation sooner than you. At some point you will see it too. Give yourself time. We promise it will get better.
When in doubt it is always better to avoid texting your ex. If you can’t trust yourself, delete his/her number from your phone. Your future self will thank you for it.
Have you ever sent text messages to your ex you later regretted? Tell us, we’d like to hear your stories.
Every once in awhile you meet someone you fancy the pants off and the chemistry between you is tangible. It’s like electricity and you feel you have met your soulmate. You fall head over heels for this person and the world turns into a cotton candy coloured bouncy castle with zero gravity. There’s no denying it, you are in love.
The first stages of love are the most wonderful moments a person can experience but the can also cloud your perception of reality. Whilst there may be undeniable physical chemistry between you, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are compatible. And if you are looking for a long term relationship, chemistry will only get you so far.
Once the initial stage of ‘love goggles’ wears off, reality sets in and you start to understand the other person more clearly, their beliefs and values, what makes them happy and what not. When these values and beliefs don’t match up with your own, trouble may be ahead. Successful relationships take work and require effort and commitment on both sides and having the same values in life goes a long way to creating a solid foundation.
- Values – Our values are personal to us and affect us at a deep subconscious level. Everything we do and every decision we make is based on our values. They are our guide to what is important to us and can include concepts like education, effort, equality, honesty, perseverance, loyalty, faithfulness…etc.
- Beliefs – Our beliefs on the other hand are our assumptions we make about the world around us. They are shaped by what we see, hear, experience, read and think about and they apply not only how we see ourselves but also how we see other people. Beliefs can be changed, whereas values are part of who you are.
Your values and beliefs make you unique, if you live your life and relationships in conflict with them you will inevitably end up unhappy. To understand what you need in order to be happy is probably the best advice we can give towards finding lasting love. When you know yourself, you will attract the right person into your life. It’s like wearing the correct prescription glasses; suddenly things become more clear and your focus is sharper.
Why not take some time out for yourself this week and seek to understand your values and beliefs? It will go a long way to help you find happiness and love and you deserve both.
Until next week lovely readers! x