Let’s be frank, dating is not all rainbows and puppy dogs. It takes time and patience and there can be disappointments and rejections along the way. And it’s those rejections we’d like to address to help you navigate them more easily.
Don’t take it personally
You have no idea what reasons the other person has for not getting back in touch, so fretting about it does more harm than good. We know it’s not always that simple, especially if you have dated the person for a while. Think about it this way, if they don’t share your feelings about the relationship, isn’t it best if you move on?
No one likes to be rejected and it’s perfectly normal to feel upset and hurt at first. And if you’ve been dropped without any explanation it can hit you especially hard. It’s important, however, to practice self-kindness, as blaming yourself will only hurt you further. Unless you’ve been given a very clear reason why it’s not worked out, avoid jumping to conclusions as to why it didn’t last. There may be many reasons why he/she decided to break it off and they don’t have to be your fault.
Avoid a victim mindset
On the flip side of blaming yourself is blaming the other party. After a rejection, it can be very easy to slip into a victim mentality by generalising behaviour (ie. all men/woman are…). This may feel good at first, and it certainly feels easier than looking in the mirror, but in the long-term, this mindset will sabotage any real chances at finding new love and keep you feeling stuck and powerless. Again, acknowledge your feelings but don’t dwell.
After a rejection, especially when we listen to our critical inner voice, it’s easy for self-doubt and insecurities to raise their ugly heads and can leave us feeling less sure of ourselves. When we’ve been left by someone, we may find ourselves feeling out of place. It may become difficult to visit certain places, see certain people, or partake in activities for a while. However, this situation presents an opportunity to really connect with our individuality, your own needs. What is it that you enjoy doing? Who are you outside of a relationship? Focussing on defining yourself anew again, can get you out of heartbreak-mode much faster. Realising that you have a whole life outside of whatever rejection you’ve experienced, and that life will go on.
Like most days, today started with the usual skimming of the metro on the train. This time however, I came across an interesting piece which I thought I should share with our plenty more fish members!
According to the article, we are pretty demanding when choosing a partner. Here are the 15 dating demands that were picked up on.
(Dating demands not views of plenty more fish!)
- 82% of women aged 25-50 said it was very important for their boyfriend to have a responsible, well-paid job.
- 79% of men aged 25-50 said they prefer a girl to be at least three inches shorter than them
- 48% won’t date anyone with a weird voice….. (I don’t know whether they mean squeeky, high-pitched, deep…strange demand!)
- 47% would run a mile with an overly loud laugh
- 42% said a plus was a date who was green/environmentally conscious
- 16% of men aged 25-50 asked that the woman not pick her feet in front of him
- 15% of women say they do not want to see the words “bottle of wine” and “DVD” in a man’s profile
- 13% said good shoes are essential
- 11% of men asked that their date loves superman movies
- 11% of men said a gum-chewing women was a deal breaker
- 10% of women would get a cab home if their date can’t dance
- 6% of women aged 25-50 said their man must never eat peanut butter
- 5% of women say their man must hate Marmite
- 4% of men did not want a woman who plucked out her eyebrows and then drew on them
- 3% of women asked that their man not eat leftover pizza the next morning
Suggesting when to meet in person is tricky for me to say as it’s bound to differ for everyone. I will however try and give you a rough indication of when I think it’s about time for that first date.
It may start with a wink and a few messages here and there and then, before you know it, you’re messaging each other every day and perhaps more. This shows that you are both clear in your emotions and should definitely swap numbers and arrange to meet. It’s pointless wasting any more time throwing messages back and forth. You need to get out there to find out whether you’re attracted to them offline. If so, great! If not, plenty more fish in the sea!
As a dating site we strongly believe that although we offer a great big pond of lovely singles, we cannot match you. This is for you to decide when you meet up!
So how do you “pop the question?” …and we’re talking about a date here, not marriage!
One of our favourite ways to ask a date out online is to use their hobbies and interests as a starting point. They may list travelling as one of their interests. They may even list Italy as their favourite country. In this is the case, you could say something along the lines of; “I know this great Italian Restaurant in town, do you fancy going on Saturday night?” Pretty casual and not so daunting.
There, hope this helps! Remember to put as much detail into your profile as you can. You will sound interesting, plus, it makes it easier for potential dates to contact you!
Contrary to previous assumptions, a brand new study indicates that when in a long term relationship, men rate kissing and cuddling more importantly than than women.
The study included more than 1,000 couples from five countries. All were between 40 and 70 and all were in a relationship for an average of 25 years.
Men who told the researchers that kissing and cuddling were a regular part of their relationship were on average THREE times happier than those who did not. Women on the other hand, who are almost always portrayed as the more tactile sex, told researchers that kissing and cuddling had little effect on their happiness.
Interesting stuff. I’ve got to say though, here at the plenty more towers we are a little unsure…everyone likes a hug, don’t they?! How far do you agree with it?
You may remember a post a while back;“5 Things to consider when writing your dating profile.” Basically, my online dating friend was finding it pretty tricky to describe herself in her profile. Together, we overcame this and her profile is (I would say) perfectly polished ;). Only trouble is, she is getting A LOT of messages. Not an issue you say? Well, unless you’ve got all the hours in the day, you simply can’t reply to everyone.
Here are my 5 reasons NOT to reply to everyone:
- Like my friend, you may feel compelled to reply to everyone and as much as it’s a nice and polite idea, it’s quite an unrealistic one. There’s a huge pool of singles and replying to all would mean no life outside online dating. Not ideal.
- You’ll get winked at, people will view your profile, you’ll get messages but you can’t be expected to reciprocate all of this attention. Simply not enough hours in the day to waste time on people you’re just not attracted to.
- Remember that online dating is a numbers game, they probably won’t just be messaging you. I know this doesn’t sound too romantic but it’s true. Therefore, people don’t necessarily expect a response. Only message them back if you know you’re interested. The last thing you want is to lead anyone on.
- Feel bad for not replying? Sometimes no response at all is better than outright rejection.
- On the flip side, not everyone will respond to you and you shouldn’t let that get to you. You can’t take it personally…just move on to the next profile. You know what they say – plenty more fish in the sea!
Get behind our man Andy!
As many of you may already know, the Wimbledon 2011 Championship is well underway and we’re sure, like us, you’re supporting our very own Andy Murray.
Here at Plenty More Fish UK we wanted to reward all our basic members with a chance to read all those messages you have for FREE*.
So what’s the catch?
It’s simple, there is no catch. Every time Murray wins you will get FREE* access to your incoming messages the day after between 6pm and 8pm. So if Murray wins Wimbledon you’ll have three free* sessions on Thursday, Saturday and Monday!
Watch the matches live and when he wins celebrate by making the most of our FREE* read offer.
Plenty More Fish 🙂*You will get Free access to your incoming messages the day after the quarter finals (Thursday 30th 2011), the day after the semi finals (Saturday 2nd July 2011) and the day after the Finals (Monday 4th July 2011) between 6pm and 8pm if Murray wins those matches.
Losing a spouse, going through a divorce or break up can be a traumatic experience. For most people it takes time for the wounds to heal before even thinking about taking a dip in the dating pool again. Understandable really. Often jumping into a relationship too quickly can be a bad thing – you may meet someone who’s not right for you. As much as you may miss the companionship it’s worth having some you time to figure out exactly what it is that you want.
So how do you know when you’re ready to date again?
Are you “over” your past relationship?
This does not mean forget about your past relationship by any means – it just means that you have stopped comparing new interests to your previous partner.
Are you bitter?
Being bitter is a sign you’re not over your ex and can be sensed a mile off by prospective partners. It can send people running for the door. You should be free of bitterness before dating again- it only wears you down. It may take time but that healing time is hugely important.
Do you expect instant dating success?
Unfortunately dating is filled with ups and downs and not a dating site in the world could promise you instant success. Some meet the right one straight away, some don’t. It’s a numbers game. Don’t lose hope.
Are you feeling happy?
Happiness and positivity is an extremely attractive quality. It’s true what they say- you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. Use your single time to do the things that make you feel happy. Your future partner should fit into your life.
Are you revealing too much too soon?
Your date should not be used as a counsellor. If you feel you’re going to spill details of your past relationship on your first date then it is pretty evident that you need some more time before dating. Mystery is all part of the excitement of dating.
It may take some time before you feel ready to start dating again but in my experience it’s MUCH better to give yourself this time and meet someone who ticks all the boxes rather than just a few.
Ever wondered why you continue to fall for “bad boys” time and time again? Well you’re not alone…it seems to be a topic of discussion amongst many celebs; Alexandra Burke, Lady Ga Ga and Beyonce to name a few.
So what is it that leaves us falling for the “wrong type” of guy?
According to a team of boffins at the University of Columbia, us ladies are least attracted to smiling, happy men, instead preferring those who looked proud and powerful or just plain moody. Could explain our attraction to Edward Cullen then…?
However, I’m not so convinced. I can’t speak for all women but I find men MUCH more approachable/ attractive if their profile picture is of a nice friendly looking guy and I will never stop recommending smiling in your profile picture. I can’t really see how women could be attracted to miserable men…*
Is it just me? Am I the odd one? Help me out here!
Jen, PMF x
* OK, Edward Cullen is an exception
P.S. Here’s Alexandra Burke singing about her penchant for bad boys…
“Even though I know they’re no good for me it’s the risk I take for the chemistry.” ……. Alexandra, get yourself on Plenty More Fish. Plenty of happy, smiling guys. You don’t need to go taking these sorts of silly risks!!!
Picture this; the end of your first date is approaching and the nerves that were so pertinent at the beginning have now started to vanish. It turns out you and your date are getting along swimmingly and you would love to see them again.
You think they feel the same… but how do you know?
Well, we’ve all been there and to be perfectly honest, there’s no clear way of knowing. This is not such a bad thing though. Imagine if you knew what everyone was thinking…how boring would that be? The fact that there’s no way of telling what your date is thinking or feeling adds to the excitement of it all.
There are some obvious hints that you can pick up on to suggest that your date would like to do this all again. If they go in for a kiss then ahem *alarm bells* you shouldn’t even be reading this…go and arrange that second date NOW! Things like open body language, spending most of the date giggling, long flowing conversations and dropping in sentences like; “oh I know this GREAT restaurant…” can all be humongous (is that even a word?!) hints to suggest you should meet up again.
If you wish to arrange a second date then make it clear after the date or call them shortly after. Just don’t leave too much time between the date and asking…if they are a good catch, they will get snapped up by someone else pretty quickly!
That’s all folks! My top tip would be not to worry about what your date is thinking. They are probably just as busy worrying about what you are thinking! The first date is generally a nerve racking experience but just go with the flow and be yourself! If a second date doesn’t happen then they’re just not the right person for you and you are better off without. Remember, there are plenty more fish in the sea.
We don’t usually get all soppy on you but after seeing this rather elaborate marriage proposal we just felt we HAD to share!
To anyone who dislikes a slushy story…LOOK AWAY NOW… To the rest of you, enjoy!
Thank goodness she said yes!