Last month I wrote a post on “Being Friends the Ex” where I decided that generally, staying friends with the ex wasn’t such a good idea. Well, staying friends with MY exes hasn’t always worked out for the best so I guess I am biased. Just because it didn’t work out too well for me, it doesn’t mean it can’t work well for others.
After writing the post, I have received lots of feedback from you ( and thank you!). It’s always really good to hear your views which, in this case were pretty different to my own. It seems many of you have remained great friends with exes so I thought I’d take the time to approach the topic from a different angle.
Let’s not kid ourselves, staying friends with an ex is not always easy. From your feedback it seems that the way to do it successfully is to be completely honest about your feelings for one another. If you still feel more for them then you need to decide whether this will affect your friendship. From your input it’s pretty clear that whatever happens, being “besties” straight away isn’t going to happen. Both of you will probably need time beforehand to come to terms with the split and deal with any unresolved feelings.
It seems many of you have managed to overcome this and remained friends. One reader made a really interesting point. He told me that after a long-term relationship and getting to know each other so well it’s a “shame to just throw it all away” and I would definitely have to agree with him. I think it’s so hard to just wave goodbye to the person you spent so much time with, knows you inside out and have so many memories with. It’s so final. If you can work things out after a split and have a stress free friendship for the both of you then, ideal. It’s just getting to this point that can be problematic. As one reader told me, staying friends “depends a lot on the circumstances of the split.” If someone cheats or treats the other badly then at some point in the future, the animosity may kick in ( if it hasn’t already) and just end up getting messy. However, if the split is amicable then friendship may come pretty naturally. One of our Twitter friends recently told me that she has remained great friends with her ex and that “he even baby sits my son which isn’t his and likewise me for his daughter!”
I think it can be tough but given time, if you really want it to work it is possible to salvage a friendship after a break-up providing both parties are honest and upfront with each other from the beginning.
Thoughts? Drop us a line below…
Break ups are hard- everyone knows this. When a relationship comes to an end it’s often incomprehensible to think that that’s it. It’s just so final. You go from spending so much time together, perhaps even living together to nothing. A world without them seems unimaginable. Rather than cutting all communication, remaining friends sometimes seems like an appealing option.
But can it ever work?
I think it depends on whether the split was mutual. If you don’t see each other in “that” way anymore then fine, remaining friends shouldn’t be too strenuous and will come reasonably easy. Perhaps you were only supposed to be friends in the first place?!
However, for most it’s not that easy. Usually one person will end up liking the other a little more which makes the “friendship” very stressful indeed. The huge change in dynamic means that hanging out together will be entirely different. Lunch won’t end with a kiss and hand holding won’t be complimenting the afternoon walk any more, making things hard and often, quite upsetting. Often, the best way to move on is to make a clean break. As hard as this may sound, if one of you still has feelings for the other it’s the kindest thing for you to do for the other person or even for yourself.
I also think remaining friends with your ex will be likely to cause problems in the long-run. Put yourself in the position of a future partner; would you be OK with them meeting up for coffee or lunch with their ex? How would it make you feel? Would you run the risk of putting your future relationships in jeopardy just because you want to remain pals with your ex?
My opinion is – it’s better to look to the future and not live in the past. After all, there’s plenty more fish in the sea!
What are you’re thoughts? Are any of you still good friends with your exes? Or, has staying friends with an ex caused problems?
Eagerly awaiting your opinions…Jen x
Letters, cards and cuddly toys are just some of the mementos many of us hang on to when a relationship has ended. Cute bears that meant the world, letters written from the heart, your favourite song, even your partners t-shirt with that all too familiar smell…all too hard to throw out. But, keeping visible memories dotted around your house can be painful, so why do we do it?
I think it’s just a process that many of us need to go through. Many of the gifts are useless but after a relationship we may find ourselves clinging onto what little we have left as a reminder of them and the good times. It adds a form of comfort from the person…the person who caused us to feel this way in the first place. Weird, eh?
This is not the case for everyone though. Some people see chucking out all mementos as a first step towards getting over their ex. Relationships over and Freddy the teddy is lying in a bin bag with the potato peelings, ready to meet his fate. People just deal with it differently.
I find names and numbers the hardest to rid. A number you haven’t called for 3 years but still remains part of your history. A number once dialled often, now useless in function but simply too hard to delete.
So what about you? Are you a thrower or a hoarder? When in a new relationship, is it necessary for you to bin all gifts from your ex or can you keep some? It would be interesting to hear some views on this! 🙂