Dealing with jealousy in your relationship
We all experience jealousy one way or another. Whether that’s in a relationship, between our friends or maybe even towards a co-worker. Jealousy is a normal feeling but unless it is understood for what it is and dealt with in a healthy way, it can have a destructive effect on our relationships. So, we’ve put together a list of tips to help you deal with the green-eyed monster in a healthy and mature way.
Be supportive of each other’s feelings
As with most things, communication is key. Letting your partner know what situations make you feel uncomfortable and insecure can help you feel more secure and understood. Express how it makes you feel without the need for jealous fits or drama. Get your point across factually and speak from your perspective rather than accusing them of something for which you have no proof. Your partner may think nothing of it when they are texting that co-worker so go easy on them and give them the benefit of the doubt. And if the roles are reversed, it’s time to listen to your partner and try to understand their perspective. Could you be more sensitive to how your behaviour makes them feel?
Know that jealousy in small doses is normal
No matter how full of love and loyalty your partner is, it is still ok to communicate when we feel that jealous twinge. It isn’t a bad signs but shows that you still care about the relationship and that the thought of your partner being with somebody else makes you feel a bit queasy.
Check your expectations
We all have expectations of a relationship; loyalty and honesty are top of the list for many. Sometimes though, our expectations are unhealthy and set you up for bouts of jealousy. Not allowing your partner to see their friend, because he/she is of the opposite sex, is one of those. The key with expectations and rules is that they are communicated clearly and fully.
Look at your toxic habits
Sometimes we set ourselves up to experience these negative emotions, maybe it’s because we believe it’s too good to be true or maybe we simply don’t trust them for some other reason. So, we get ourselves into toxic habits of checking their phone whilst they’re in the shower, or sneakily checking out their ex on social media. These things aren’t going to help you, no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you’ll ‘feel better’ after. You might get a feeling of relief which will last half hour, but you’ll soon find yourself doing it more often and feeling more anxious and jealous. Ultimately, these ways of dealing with jealousy will only push your partner away.
Recognise that if something was to happen, you will be okay
Heartbreak and jealousy can be hard to deal with and no matter how jealous you are in a relationship, know that it will not prevent your partner from doing anything silly or disloyal like sliding into someone else’s dm’s or going for drinks with a co-worker. Trust is a huge part of any relationship but getting comfortable with the fact that a broken heart will not end you, is the first step to dealing with jealousy.
Communicating with your partner about your worries and making sure that this feeling doesn’t take over is so important for a healthy relationship. The more you communicate, the more likely your partner will be able to look out for things that may trigger your feelings jealousy at times and the more reassured you will feel.
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How to reject someone (kindly)
Let’s be honest, rejecting someone is awkward. You’re not sure what to say without causing offence and you don’t want to leave them confused or thinking something is wrong with them. Being rejected isn’t a nice feeling, so it’s important that we do it properly with as much damage control as possible. We’ve put together a list of tips when it comes to how to reject someone nicely, so next time you’re being approached by someone who doesn’t tickle your fancy just remember these tips.
Focus on your needs
Let them know that you don’t think that your needs are being met. Being open and honest about it allows them to realise that the issue isn’t necessarily anything to do with them but about compatibility. Mention that you hope they find someone more fitting to what they’d want.
Don’t leave them in the unknown
The last thing you want to do is leave the other person confused about why you’re not responding or you’re pushing back the date for the 3rd time. Make it easier on them and let them know where you’re at and why you’re no longer interested.
Be clear with them, if you don’t think they’re the right person for you then make sure they know that so that you’re not giving off the message to wait around until you’re ready for a relationship etc.
Talk about your chemistry
When we meet somebody, we all want to experience that ‘spark’ or ‘click’. Knowing we have both emotional and sexual chemistry with the other person makes for a great relationship, but when one or both are missing it can make it difficult to want to say yes to the next date without fearing you’re leading the other one on. So be honest, tell them you’re great but I don’t feel like we have chemistry and that’s important to me. It’s a swift and kind way of doing it, and they can’t argue about the things that you don’t feel.
Accept that it’ll probably hurt them
Let’s be honest, being rejected by a crush feels painful, especially if you’ve been on a date with them and you feel like there is potential. Unfortunately, you cannot help this happening, it’s best to be kind and clear. Picture it as if you’re the one that’s being rejected and tell them as nicely as you’d like to be told.
Although our tips have generally talk about being open and honest with the other person about your needs and why you’re not interested, remember that you don’t owe anyone a detailed justification. Just let them know you’re not interested, and you don’t want to take it any further. It’s not harsh, it’s just direct and clear.
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Setting boundaries in relationships
Setting boundaries can be difficult, it can be a bit of a struggle to know where to start or even what classes as a ‘boundary’. Often, we think if we say “no” then we risk losing part of the relationship or even friendship. But putting boundaries into place is a way normal and healthy way of protecting ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Having that discussion about boundaries can feel awkward or you may not know what to say, particularly if the relationship game is new to you, here are a few pointers to think about when starting a new relationship.
Be honest about what you need
In a new relationship everything is rosy, and you probably think you don’t need much from your partner because you just enjoy the time you spend with them. But you need to think further down the line, if this relationship has the potential to be serious then you need to think about what you want from your partner. From being open about their feelings to not leaving towels on the bathroom floor.
You need to get clear with yourself what you’re comfortable and not comfortable with, and then be able to communicate that to your partner, so they know exactly what to expect and how to meet your needs and expectations.
Listen to what your partner needs
After you’ve had your say about what you want from the relationship, listen to what your partner needs and we don’t mean just listen to respond, or to shake it off. But really listen. Listen and then think what you can do to meet those needs.
Designate when you need space
In the beginning of a relationship, you may want to be around your person as much as you can. Even trips to Tesco are fun when your partner is coming along. But if you’re finding that spending a lot of time together is getting a bit too much for you, then ask for space. The last thing you want to happen is you getting irritated because you feel like you see no one but your partner, so be honest and take time away from each other.
Communicate what you can tolerate
Knowing what you can tolerate is particularly important to prevent those arguments which can crop up. When talking about what you can tolerate, we mean not just those times your partner walks past the dirty plates and doesn’t wash them up. But particularly emotionally, we all get affected differently by actions and as a result how we react may differ. So, it’s important to let your partner know if you’re sensitive to being lied to, shouted at, silenced etc.
You should be able to communicate anything in your relationship but it’s also the way it’s communicated which is important. Try to remember to not expect a person to simply know what you need or can tolerate, it’s always best to be up front.
Communication is vital in a relationship and for it to work you need to remember that, however much we’d like them to read our minds, they just can’t.
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4 proven ways to get over rejection
Rejection. We’ve all felt it, whether that’s from a relationship, a job or a friend. We’ve all been there. But rejection in love hurts, it can be ruthless in destroying self-confidence and sometimes hard to bounce back from. Even the likes of Brad Pitt and Zac Efron have probably felt rejection in their life. Some people get up and bounce back and some it consumes. So to help you bounce back, we’ve put together 4 ways of getting over rejection.
First, let’s scratch the word ‘rejection’
It’s important to remember that the person who rejected made a choice against you and not because of you. 90% of the time, it’s actually because of their own state of mind and desires rather than you personally. When you think of it as them and not you, you realise it’s not your burden to deal with and you shouldn’t have to cope with it. Essentially, view it as happening for you, not to you. As many people say, ‘It’s a blessing in disguise’.
Surround yourself with people who make you feel valued
Being rejected can be a bit of a dampener on the ego and may have us doubting our own self-worth. Rejection ultimately unsettles our need to belong. That’s why it’s important to spend time with people who make you feel loved and valued, whether that’s simply going for a walk or grabbing a bite to eat. Hanging out with a friend who accepts and values you will remind you that you’re valued. Opening up actually really helps with coping with rejection and can be a saving grace, whether that’s simply to vent about the situation or having a reassuring pep talk.
Be Thankful
As Ariana Grande once said, “Thank You, Next” and this is exactly the attitude you want to have. Those that reject you are helping you figure out more information about what you want and don’t want from a partner and are even helping you learn more about yourself, whether that’s how to be more resilient or develop the sensitive side of yourself, every partner is there to teach you a lesson.
A good way to look at it is that every rejection is just you being freed up for the right person. It’s true when they say, ‘you have to kiss some frogs before finding your person’.
Make a list of everything that makes you great
For those that struggle, try giving yourself a compliment. If this is too hard for you to do right now, ask a friend to tell you what they love about you so they can remind you how great you are. By making a list of things that make you a great person, you’re helping to boost your self-esteem and in turn curb any negative self-talk. It’s essentially a way of affirming our own worth and not letting rejection dampen our confidence.
If you’re finding yourself wanting to get back out there and delve into the world of dating, check out Plentymorefish to find your match.
Looking for love after a lockdown
The past 18 months have been tough, we’ve been through some confusing times and it’s no surprise that many of us have struggled throughout it. Some of us have been lucky, having family and housemates to keep us company through the madness, but some of us have been on our own making it difficult to re-emerge into this new world trying to navigate the world of dating at the same time.
Take things slow
You should know that it’s completely normal to feel nervous about dating again, we all only just got used to getting half dressed for a date over a Zoom call, but now we actually have to match the bottoms to the top we’re wearing! But before this, you need to ask yourself whether you’re ready to step back into the dating world again. Is it important for you to be dating or are you putting too much pressure on yourself?
Don’t be tricked into thinking that time is “running out” and start rushing into relationships in the hope that they’re the ‘one’. Yes, time has passed whilst we’ve been lockdown, but your priorities may have changed, you may want to do different things with your life after experiencing so little in so long. So, now might be a good time to re-evaluate what you want from a relationship before searching for your dream man/woman.
Prepare for dating
Whilst the dating world is not the hunger games, it’s still best to prepare before joining the arena again. Remember, you’re not the only one who is hesitant about getting back out there. You might be eager and anxious all at once – worrying not only about the date itself but also about any restrictions that are in place. Do I need my mask? Has my date taken a test?
To stop these nerves, it’s best to establish boundaries as much as you can with your date and with yourself. If you’re worried about testing and masks, research the date location to check out any restrictions which they may still have in place (it’s always handy to keep a mask with you anyway), discuss any concerns with your date before the date. Getting these worries out of the way will ease your mind and will only leave room for the ‘normal’ pre-date jitters we all get.
Make sure you feel like your best self
Why not treat yourself to a new outfit or a new fragrance you’ve been wanting to try? Dating is all about finding someone who matches your best self, so be the best version of you by being comfortable and confident. We’re not saying you have to change your appearance or become a whole different person but do what makes you feel good. Whether that’s a new outfit or a self-care ritual.
Above all, it’s important you feel comfortable going back into the world of dating, so if, for now, meeting up with a date seems a little daunting for you then try something a bit more laid back and more your style. Virtual dating worked for a while during lockdown, there’s no harm in it sticking round a while longer.
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How to know it’s time to call the relationship quits.
There may come a time in a relationship where you question whether carrying on with the relationship is the best thing to do. You may have a gut feeling something isn’t working or maybe you’re going through a rough patch where you and your partner are arguing more frequently. You may find yourself wondering whether you should stay in the relationship or move on, protecting yourself. Here are some tell-tale signs that the relationship may be coming to an end:
You’re doubting everything
It’s normal to be worrying about whether your relationship is going to work when you’re going through a rough patch. But if something is niggling at you, and you keep thinking that this person is the wrong person, you should not ignore it. Generally, listen to your instinct if it’s telling you something isn’t right.
You have a feeling you won’t regret making the decision
You may get a feeling of relief when initially ending a relationship, whether that’s because you don’t have to put up with their old habits anymore or because you get your freedom back. But it’s not that moment of time you want to think about when you’re considering breaking up. You want to think about the months to come. Are you going to start missing them again? Will you be texting them asking to take you back now you’ve had your bit of freedom? Or will you still be relieved that you’re not stuck in that relationship? You need to be honest with yourself at this point and you know whether you’re trying to convince yourself that you won’t regret it. But if you genuinely feel that way, it may be time to call it quits.
Life prospects and values start to become an issue
When you first started dating, you both had the same life goals. You wanted to have kids or travel to Australia to sky dive over the beach or maybe you both just wanted to start your own business or had similar career prospects. As a relationship blossoms, sometimes we find ourselves on different pages and for some this may become an issue. Some things are less significant and can be resolve with communication. But when perspective on lives change and what each person wants from them, this is where issues can form. Same goes for values, if you and your partner differ on a major value – maybe generosity – it can cause conflict.
You’re convincing yourself to stay
When you’re in denial about an ending relationship, you may try to ignore any negatives you feel towards your partner or ignore the fact you’re always arguing when you’re together. You ignore these things because you don’t want to acknowledge the truth, maybe it’s out of fear of the relationship ending or you don’t want to be on your own. When you’re noticing yourself going against your instincts, it may a sign that this relationship won’t last.
You’re not feeling good about yourself
Insecurities are normal, everybody has them in some way. But if you’re finding that, when you’re around your partner you have little to no self-confidence ,,then this a red flag in a relationship. Being around the right partner is meant to make you feel good about yourself. You want someone that celebrates the amazing things about you, not find ways of ruining your self-confidence.
Making the decision to end a relationship is something that requires honesty with yourself and your partner. Communication should always be the top priority, so make sure you and your partner know where you both stand.
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5 Questions NOT to ask on a First Date
We’ve all been there, on a first date, nervous and we fumble on our words or say something we go over in our heads for the rest of the night. Most of the time, we’re thinking too much into it and by the end of the date it’s already forgotten, but there are some questions you shouldn’t ask on a first date, that are a no-go. We’ve made a list of questions you should avoid on a first date.
1. Why are you still single?
As innocent as this question may sound, it may not always be taken the right way. Even if it’s made in an attempt of flattery. It suggests that there is something wrong with being single and could even suggest that there is something wrong with your date. Not everyone’s ideal goal is to be in a relationship, so try to avoid this question if you’re trying to impress your date.
2. How many people have you slept with?
Regardless of if it’s date number one, or date 43. The number of sexual partners you have is quite frankly no-one’s business. If you want to discuss your own past then you can if you feel happy to share, but others may feel uncomfortable, and some may even try to put their guard back up if they feel that you’re being too intrusive. It’s best to avoid asking anything sexual on the first date, it gives off the wrong impression if your goal is to find a long-term relationship.
3. How much money do you make?
Careers are a normal topic of conversation for a first date, but your date’s income is a topic to be avoided. Even if you’re just being curious, by asking this question your date could get the wrong idea about your priorities in a relationship. Your date wants to know you’re attracted to them, not the size of their wallet.
4. Where do you see this relationship going?
Although it’s nice to hear that your date sees things going further, it’s usually good to steer away from this question – you’ll be coming across as clingy and way to keen. It is only the first date. You’ve barely scratched the surface in getting to know your date, try to get to know them first.
5. Are you attracted to me?
You might think this a harmless question, you’re just intrigued to see if they’re as attracted as you are. But again, it gives off the wrong impression. Your date can get the idea that you’re shallow and care about looks and attraction more than what’s beneath the surface. It can also make your date feel uncomfortable, particularly if they’re unsure if they are attracted to you at that point, it may take some people longer than others.
Essentially try to avoid talking about money, serious commitment, or anything sexual, you don’t want to scare your date off at the first hurdle or give off the wrong impression. Sign up to Pentymorefish.com to find likeminded singles.
What turns a woman off when you start dating?
Turn offs are a typical question we get asked when we start dating someone, but the trouble is for some it’s difficult to answer until they experience something that gives them ‘the ick’. Sometimes things happen that makes our nose scrunch or just send a signal to our body which makes us want to run. Here’s a list of some turn offs that we can think of.
Rudeness
Have you ever been out on a date with someone who is rude to the waiter or bartender? There’s something about the lack of manners that screams red flag to me and makes me want to run out of the first door I see. Someone who tries to belittle another in an attempt to make someone else laugh. It does not play out in your favour and it’s just embarrassing for your date.
Lack of ambition.
At the start of dating, women want to be wrapped up in deep conversation to connect on an intellectual level. They want to hear about your passions and ambitions, and where you want to go in life. You’re dating to look for a partner, someone to grow with and celebrate your successes with.
Pick-up lines.
A few as a joke is fine, but if you’re using pick-up lines proudly, I’ve got to tell you they will not work and more than likely will cringe out your date. Not what you want, is it? She will roll her eyes and ultimately find you a bit cringey.
Insulting your exes.
No, we don’t want to hear about your ex and how great the relationship was and how you’re so sad it’s over. But we also don’t want to hear how every ex you’ve been with is crazy; there’s a common denominator in that equation and it most certainly is not the women you’re dating.
Putting all women in the same box.
There’s nothing worse than someone being surprised because you’re not like the conceptual idea of a woman they have in their head. Men who don’t see women as individual’s and put every woman in the same box can be a serious turn off.
Eyeing up another woman.
Trust me when I tell you women see EVERYTHING. So, that woman that just walked past that you were giving the side eyes to? Yes, we saw that. We get it, you’re single and free and you can do as you please, but when on a date with a woman, she wants to feel special. Eyeing up every woman that walks into the restaurant makes her feel like she’s already in competition for your attention which is not the way a relationship should start.
Talking about yourself.
If the topic of conversation always resorts back to you and your date can’t get a word in edgeways, then I wouldn’t bet on a second date. A conversation works two ways and if it appears to be one person talking and another listening the whole time, then it can become frustrating.
Are you ready to find someone who ticks all your boxes? Head over to plentymorefish.com.
Does He Love Me? The Biggest Signs your man is in love.
The million-dollar question when you’re in the early stages of a relationship; ‘Does he love me’. To help you solve the mystery behind men, we’ve compiled a list of indicators that he’s in it for the long run.
He’s always in communication with you
Even when you’re not together he wants to talk to you. Whether that’s simply sending you a message settling the previous night’s debate on whether chocolate belongs in the fridge or not, or whether they’re simply updating you on their day.
He compromises for you
Maybe he hates that TV series you’re begging him to watch, but he’ll say yes to make you happy. Or maybe you want to order in a Chinese, but he can’t stand it. Either way he’s compromising which is a big sign he’s falling for you. Love softens the heart and selflessness is an important sign of healthy relationship.
‘We’ or ‘Us’ replaces ‘I’
When you become part of his plans it’s a very good indicator that he’s feeling the love. Does he talk about taking you to his friend’s wedding? Or maybe even jokes about how good looking your future children together will be? He’s no longer thinking of himself as a bachelor, you’re now a big part of his life.
He leans on you for support
You’re his best friend. You listen to him and give him a shoulder to lean on when he needs it. If you’re his go-to for advice or to vent, then it’s a good chance he trusts you the most.
You both laugh together
If you find that you’re both typically in fits of giggles when you’re around each other, it’s undeniable you have fun and act silly together, which is a solid foundation for a relationship. A study completed by college students found that the more a couple laughed together, the stronger the chemistry between them both.
He’s being more optimistic lately
If you find that your guy is seeing more of the brighter side of life, it’s probably because he’s felling more comfortable and confident in a future with you.
He treats you like you’re the only person in the room
Maybe you’re at a party with other people but he can’t take his eyes off you or he’s trying to get you involved in conversations. It’s a good sign that he’s in love with you. His attentive side has started to show.
He cares about your friends and family
The most important people in your life suddenly also become his most important people. If he loves you, he’ll make the effort with these people in your life. He takes notes of group dynamics and pays attention to what your parents say.
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How to not lose yourself in a new relationship
A new relationship is exciting and it’s so easy to get wrapped up in your little bubble of love you and your partner have created. Whilst this is lovely and the feeling of contentment washes over you over time some people struggle with losing their sense of self. Most of the time, it’s innocent and we don’t even realise that it’s happening to us. So, what does losing yourself look like?
You probably aren’t changing into an entirely different person (although this can happen), losing yourself is more subtle than that. It’s the small things that were once so important to you that you couldn’t live without, like doing the pub quiz with your best friends, that you no longer care about doing. Or you suddenly put your personal or career goals aside in favour of your other half’s. Those small details are what make up your identity, which set you apart from others and which made your partner fall for you in the first place.
If you’ve noticed these things creeping into your relationship, then you have a few things you need to figure out. Boundaries and balance are vital in a healthy relationship. A true partnership is the sum of two halves, having your own identity and life outside your relationship will ultimately make you more attractive and a happier human being.
Learning to say no when your partner dominates every decision or demands your complete attention and devotion, will prevent you from losing yourself. By taking a respectful stand against a decision your partner has made or simply saying no to doing something you don’t want to do sets healthy boundaries.
So how do you not lose yourself in a relationship?
See loved ones regularly on your own
Immersing your partner into your social circle and introducing them to the important people in your life is an exciting time, but make sure that you’re still having time on your own with them too. These people are important in keeping you in touch with yourself.
Stop replacing ‘I’ with ‘We’
Whilst becoming a ‘we’ in a new relationship seems tempting for every scenario, it’s easy to fall into unhealthy relationship terrain by doing so. You need to remind yourself you are your own person, so stop saying ‘we’ when you really mean I.
Don’t compromise on the things that make you
It’s okay to compromise on what you’re having for dinner tonight, or what film you’re going to watch on date night. But don’t compromise on the things that make you, well, you. These could be career development opportunities, going to see family/friends, time you spend at gym or yoga, the list is endless.
Maintain your interests
Remember it was your individuality that bagged you your partner in the first place, so maintain those interests you’re passionate about. It’s not just about what you do, it’s who you do it with which is also important. If you and your friends have a monthly quiz session down your local pub, don’t replace them and go with your partner instead. Remember that you both should be supportive of the things which are important to each other prior to even knowing each other. Make sure you continue having ‘me’ time, as it is those things that make you a more interesting and rounded person.
Learn to embrace healthy conflict
Get better at having healthy disagreements. It doesn’t mean you have to be harsh or mean about it, or intentionally start arguments or disagree for the fun of it. But if you have a differing view, then it’s important to speak up about it. Not only will this help build the relationship it also teaches you how to not people-please and develop the courage to stand up and respectfully voice your opinion. There should never be issues about what is said in the relationship, it’s only the way things are said. So, be careful with your tone and make sure you also take the time to listen to your partner.
If you’re looking for love, head over to Plentymorefish. Find fellow singles who are ready for healthy commitment.
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