Love languages were a foreign concept until the 90’s. We all had an idea of what made us look at our partner with puppy dog eyes or made our stomach flutter. But understanding these aspects in order to make a relationship work didn’t occur until Gary Chapman wrote a book on the five love languages in 1992.
So, what are they?
The five love languages are as follows:
1. Acts of Service
This is a non-verbal form of love. It is the idea that you complete a task for your partner that you know they would like. Maybe your partner needs their car cleaned or you cook their favourite food. The acts are often selfless and encourage you to listen to your partner’s needs.
It’s the most common amongst all of the other love languages. It is often mis-construed however, as people mistake it for being about the items you give, and the price attached to it. Whereas those whose love language is gift-giving focus more on the thought behind the gift, which shows your partner that you’re thinking about them and that you actively listen to them. The true meaning behind gift-gifting is the sentimentality of the gift itself.
3. Physical Touch
As it says on the tin, it’s a physical form of love. It communicates compassion, joy and sympathy towards your partner, it’s more about desiring the physical touch like holding hands and feeling close to them through affectionate acts, rather than desiring sex and fulfilling your sensual needs.
4. Quality Time
Connections built around this love language are often strong relationships. For people who thrive from this love language, their priority is spending meaningful time with their partner. This means no distractions, just one-to-one undivided attention. For example, watching a film together on the sofa is not an example of quality time. But if you were to turn the TV off and start a conversation, it can become a significant act to those who enjoy quality time.
5. Words of Affirmation
You might find some people are naturally more inclined to be open about their feelings whilst dating, this could be because their love language is words of affirmation. Verbal expression of love is what is important to them. Supportive and appreciative words are an expression of their love and gratitude. It doesn’t always have to be verbal; it could be written notes on the fridge or love letters left on your bedside table.
Why are love languages actually important?
Although we may think that most of the love languages appeal to us, some stand out without us realising. This is why it’s important to understand which love language we hold at a higher value in a relationship. You and your partner may not always share the same love language and that’s perfectly fine but knowing what makes your partner swoon can be really important for preserving that romance you had to begin with. Once we begin to understand how each of us work in a relationship, you notice that it begins to blossom and grows stronger.
Communication plays a significant role in this. It allows you to explain what is most important to you and how you can both meet each other’s emotional needs. No person is the same in a relationship, everyone expresses their love differently and by communicating between each other you’re avoiding that risk of disappointment.
If these things aren’t communicated, a relationship can become difficult as you may find yourself trying to give love in different ways as to what your partner may desire. The conversation shouldn’t stop, it should be on-going throughout the relationship. As people grow and change, their love languages may also shift with it so communication should be easy and comfortable. Saying this, if you find yourself drained trying to put effort into a relationship where your partner is critical or isn’t satisfied, it could be a red flag.
Essentially, understanding each other’s love language is how relationships become stronger and play a fundamental part in making a relationship a success. Are you ready to find someone to talk your language in love? Head over to Plentymorefish.com.
The positions we choose to have in the bedroom can be telling of the type of people we are and which go a lot deeper than just simple attributes like you are ‘adventurous’ or ‘predictable’. They can signify how we see our sexual selves and how we must satisfy our own needs. We’ve compiled a list of the most common sex positions to see what they say about you.
It’s a classic position, known for its simplicity. It can be a sign that you enjoy communication as it’s a close face-to-face position, but it can also signal predictability and a lack of spontaneity. For ladies, it can be a signal that they are looking for intimacy. Those who are insecure about their weight or looks may opt for this position, as most of their body is hidden away. If you find he is persistent on going at it in this position, it could mean that your sexual needs are not a priority for him, as he’s running the show.
Doggy is a position of deep pleasure; out of all the positions it is most likely to stimulate a woman’s G-spot. However, it is impersonal and acts on animalistic instincts of men craving to be the dominant. It is a position driven by lust, not love. If you find yourself choosing doggy often, then it can be a sign of your lack of desire for intimacy. It’s a position rarely chosen by those who are insecure, as nothing is hidden from your lover’s eyes.
If you’re looking to delve into your fantasies in the bedroom then doggy can allow for that, as there is little eye contact meaning you can fantasise about who and what you please. It’s also a great position for hook-ups, as you can avoid the intimate parts of sex – like eye contact or cuddling – but that may not tick the boxes for you.
The woman on top can signify a confident dynamic between two people. It shows that the woman is strong-minded and isn’t afraid to ask for what she wants. It is typically only done by women who are self-assured in their body image and exude sexual confidence. For a man, it could mean two things. One, they are confident in being submissive and likely wish to just please their lover. Or two, they are hyper-visual.
We’ve all been there – it’s morning time, you’re feeling aroused, you don’t particularly want to move, and you’ve got breath that could knock out a skunk. So, what’s the best position you may ask? Spooning. It’s ideal, you’re not facing each other, it’s minimal movement in comparison to other positions and yet it’s still enjoyable. It’s a go-to for all the men with a soft spot who desire a bit of intimacy.
Spooning is great for slow sex and it has lots of body contact. However, it lacks the intensity that positions like Doggy and Missionary can provide, so it typically occurs when the passion between two people is scarce. It’s a go-to position for someone who wouldn’t refuse sex but would also not be upset if it didn’t happen.
Sex standing up offers flexibility – technically not always physical – but in terms of location and position. The beauty of it is that you can incorporate different positions into your sexy time whilst standing up. Can’t decide between Doggy or Standing? That’s alright, put them both together and bend them over a table, surely that’s a win-win. Standing sex gives off a sense of adventure and it shows you’re often turned on by the idea of being naughty. It also shows that you’re one to seize the moment and you can be unpredictable.
Reverse Cowgirl is popular amongst the women as it is a position of pleasure. It shows that the personal needs of a woman trumps all, as she wants to get off but has a desire to turn on her partner. As a result she’s both physically and mentally stimulated. Again, the woman has the most control and appears to be the dominant one, who shows sexual confidence in her assertiveness. It’s a bare-all position so it is appealing towards the men who are driven by lust and visually get turned on.
Who knew sex positions could be so telling of someone’s personality and their desires? Do you want to find other confident, sexy singles to get adventurous with? If so, head over to the Naughty Pond and start your journey there.
We’ve all been there, sat wondering why we’re finding ourselves on the search for our Mr/Mrs Right, once again. There’s only so many times we can convince ourselves that it’s our date who isn’t ready for the world of romance. If you still find yourself single and wonder why your dates never take the next step, then it might be time to start looking inward. Could you be in your own way to finding love? We’ve given you a head start with a few reasons why your mindset might be failing you.
You Have Low Self Esteem…
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before “love yourself before you love anyone else”. If you lack appreciation for yourself and you don’t learn to love your flaws, looking for someone else’s love to fill the void is not a healthy position to be in. The feelings of not being good enough for other people can lead to issues like jealousy and neediness in relationships.
Next time you find yourself blaming your low self-esteem for your failed dating life, try writing a list of all your positives – the things you like about yourself – and then read them aloud. Make it a part of your daily routine to learn to love yourself, reminding yourself you deserve to have a healthy love life. You will find yourself in a much more positive mindset.
You Have High Expectations…
Now we’re not saying you should settle by any means. But when you start dating adjust your mindset so that your high expectations don’t come in between you and your date. Chivalry is a big green tick, and we all want it, but don’t get used to it. A few dates down when people start to get comfortable, bringing you flowers may become a thing of the past. But by showing appreciation for the things your partner does, it can work in your favour. Just saying ‘thank you’ can be a form of encouragement for many people who seek that gratification, it could be a win-win for both parties. You get the flowers, and they get the appreciation. Every now and again, surprise them. Try and plan a fun date to treat them. Show them that dating you isn’t a one-sided experience but that you can also be fun and romantic.
You Are Too Independent…
In this new generation, we are all force-fed the idea that we (particularly women) should all be self-sufficient and independent. However, true this may be, it can also hinder our dating experiences. Being too independent means, you become too engrossed in your own needs and happiness – and whilst this is important to do – it means you stop focusing on others.
The truth is, is that no matter how much you crave independence, we need other people. Forming a connection with someone is healthy, we can learn from others and they can love us and as a result we grow as individuals. So next time you’re thinking of not going out on that date because the thought of forming a connection gives you the shivers, listen to your heart and give it a go. It’s craving love.
You’re Coming on Too Strong…
Do you find yourself buckling at the knees to anyone who looks your way? You crave that attention a partner can give you and when someone gives you the slightest hint of that, you hold onto it too tightly. You’re coming on too strong. As we get older, a natural reaction is to panic that we’re running out of time in the world of dating. So, you settle for the person who buys you a drink at the bar, or calls you beautiful, even if your gut is telling you they’re not the one. The fears and doubts of never finding someone can manifest into desperation. In some cases, it convinces you to settle for way less than you deserve. To overcome this, we need to believe that someone better awaits us. That all these dates we go on with hopeless men/women are merely just setting us up for what is yet to come.
You Have Trust Issues…
Toxic situations from the past can leave a lasting mark on you. It tends to project past issues into the present, making you think you’re stuck in the same situation as before. Mistrust can manifest itself into jealousy and anxiety and most often, it can be the reason why making it past the dating stage is so difficult. For some, it can even grow into developing toxic controlling behaviours. Before you launch yourself back into the world of dating, it’s so important to address and deal with past baggage. Start by finding the root of the mistrust and ask yourself whether the associations you make between dating and trust, are actually facts or just an opinion you have formed based on past experiences.
Whatever you do, don’t lose hope or give up on finding love! Sometimes it takes a little longer to find the person that’s just right for you.
Find likeminded singles over on Plentymorefish.com.
Submission can easily be misconstrued with their representation of it through movies and books, but we’ve busted some myths to help you get a better understanding of what being a Submissive really means.
Submissives = Masochists
Masochism is the act of receiving sexual gratification from pain. It is a misconception to associate submission with a desire for pain. In fact, the whole idea of submission is to gain pleasure from the act of submitting to your partner. Doms can also be masochists and demand their Subs to inflict pain, there are a whole world of combinations when it comes to Dom/Sub relations. But the main thing to take away is that pain and pleasure do not have to go hand in hand in order for you to be submissive.
They have No Responsibility
Responsibility in a Dominant/Submissive relationship is easily misunderstood. It can be seen that the responsibility is passed to the Dominant lover and that the Sub is longing to be looked after. Certain basic responsibilities which are important for both parties in the bedroom go unnoticed by outsiders. Every individual who partakes in submissive acts has a responsibility for their own actions and words. In relation to your dominant lover, these words and actions are important, they involve being open and honest about expressing your desires and how you handle them. Yes, the dominant may hold the most responsibility in terms of dealing directly with the control of their partner, they have to know their Subs better than anyone else. But the Sub is responsible for communicating their boundaries within the relationship.
They shouldn’t have their own opinions
If Subs want to be controlled, they shouldn’t be allowed to have opinions of their own, Right? Wrong. How are submissive partners supposed to have fun in the bedroom if they can’t share their opinions about what they enjoy? If they are supposed to be comfortable in the bedroom, then they need to be able to express what they like and what they don’t enjoy so much. Being submissive is all about being adaptable, so someone who is opinionated and strong-willed in their everyday life could well be a submissive behind closed doors.
They are Weak Individuals
We touched on this a little bit in our “A Beginners Guide to BDSM” post. Being submissive in the bedroom does not reveal their personality to be the same outside of it. In fact, the most dominant individuals can in fact cave in for the desire to be submissive. To allow someone to take control of the situation takes a lot more courage than people think. Think back to a time in your sex life where you felt shy or vulnerable lying there naked in front of someone else. Now, imagine doing that but allowing them to be the dominant partner, dishing out the commands and taking control. It takes more strength than you would believe, to feel comfortable and confident enough in your own skin and in the situation.
Submission is always Sexual
Depending on the type of relationship you have with a Dom, depends on the different acts you may perform for them. But it is important to highlight that not all Dom/Sub relationships are sexual. There can be acts where, as a Sub, you don’t experience sexual pleasure and it may not turn you on, but it is still a submissive act and you do it because you want to please your Dom. Service submission is an act that is overlooked when looking at submission, this could be anything from organising their day-to-day business to being a domestic servant for them.
Remember that submission is all about adventure and pleasure, the more comfortable you are the more fulfilment you will feel in the bedroom. Establish your boundaries and affirm them with your lover. But most of all, just have fun. Don’t put pressure on yourself to match the ‘ideal’ of Dom/Sub.
So what are you waiting for? If submission intrigues you head over to the Naughty Pond, where we have adventurous horny singles ready to join you between the sheets.
Navigating the dating field can be difficult, no matter how old we get and the knowledge we gain, no one can prepare us for the surprises that lay ahead for us. There comes a time -maybe after the first date or a month down the line – where we may wonder if there’s a future with this person. So, we’ve lay down a few basic signs to identify if it has any potential or whether they’re simply the “wrong person”.
1. You can’t be yourself around them
One of the key signs you’re dating the wrong person is that you’re not comfortable around them. It’s natural on the first few dates to want to impress someone and typically you may choose not to show your quirky traits. Saying this, you shouldn’t be putting on a song and dance to prove yourself to them, you should have a pretty good idea whether you could get comfortable in their presence after the first date or two.
2. They don’t listen to you
If you find they’re trying to control the conversation this could be a good indication that they’re not listening to you, particularly if they don’t seem to ask any questions aimed at getting to know you better. If they’re always waiting for their turn to speak and diverting conversation away from your topic, the truth is they’re more than likely uninterested in anything you have to say. So, spare your precious time and start planning your exit strategy.
3. They’re Non-Committal
If they keep meaning to introduce you to friends or family but yet they forgot to invite you to their Aunt Margaret’s 60th after they’ve been persistent with their promises to do so, this is a big red flag that screams non-committal.
We don’t mean just in terms of not taking it to the next stage in a relationship, but more so committing to simple things. If they’re flaky on dates or they keep meaning to “plan” this so-called date and they never seem to find the time to do so, then you’re looking at a non-committing dater.
4. Communicates often with their ex
Do you often find them bringing up their ex in conversation spontaneously? Or maybe you feel them subconsciously making comparisons? If he/she has mixed thoughts going into a relationship and potentially may still be clinging to their ex, these behaviours could be an indicator that there is still a lingering past relationship that hasn’t been dealt with. This can get difficult if they share children or maybe going through a divorce, so we recommend communicating your worries first. But if you find they’re still chatting to their ex after expressing your concerns, she/he’s just not the right person.
5. You’ll assume they’ll change
We all have set expectations we want our date to meet, but if you’re already thinking about what hairdressers you’re going to take them to next week, then they’re probably not the right person for you. If you’re following up on dates already hoping that they’re going to change their look or some of their habits for you, then it’s a big no-no. There will be someone out there that you can see past the looks and appreciate the actual person, even if they have some quirky habits.
Ultimately, if you feel that you’re the only one putting any effort into a relationship you are probably with the wrong person. Do yourself a favour and walk away, so the right person has a chance to enter your life. You know what we always say… there’s plenty more fish in the sea!
Looking for singles in your area? Find them on Plentymorefish.com.
The first association people make with BDSM is Fifty Shades of Grey. The truth is Mr Grey is considered rather cringeworthy within the BDSM community. It is in fact completely different to how people perceive the kink. To give people a better idea of what it is, we’ve decided to do some research for you and debunk some myths surrounding BDSM.
The term ‘BDSM’ is short for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission. A big thing to address, is that it doesn’t have to involve sex at all, neither does it have to involve whips and chains, like movies and porn make it out to be. The important thing to remember is that ensuring that both you and your lover are comfortable at all times during BDSM, for this reason we recommend avoiding taking part in this after you’ve consumed alcohol or drugs.
Communication is a key part of BDSM, talking to each other about what you both would like to try helps to create a comfortable, fun environment. Putting safe words in place can help with this. Stay away from a simple yes/no, as you may be in roles where you have to use these words during intimacy. The BDSM community use two acronyms about safety; SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and RACK (Risk, Aware, Consensual, Kink.) Don’t rush the moment, have fun with it and enjoy it by taking your time. It not only reassures your lover, but it also is a way to tease them to an even greater excitement. You have to remember if you want to divulge into BDSM, you are looking to have fun with your sexual desires, so it’s best to be relaxed around your partner and always be respectful.
Another thing to consider is starting off small and simple, you don’t need to buy a whole sex shop of toys to experiment with. Try starting off with sensory deprivation, you can purchase some restraints (Leather or Neoprene are the comfiest) or a blindfold. Trying each component on its own will give you a better idea of what your sexual preferences are, too much too soon can be rather overwhelming.
Bondage and Discipline
The first part of BDSM focuses on using toys as a way to control your lover. Discipline relates to both the physical and mental aspects of intimacy, these could be spanking with a hand, or denying/prolonging an orgasm (otherwise known as edging). By controlling it, it can give your partner a more intense, toe curling orgasm. Blindfolds also count as bondage and if you’re using restraints as a beginner, lightweight cuffs are the best choice.
If you’re using whips it is important to practice flogging before trying it on your lover. The key is to aim for the butt/back of the thighs as they have the most flesh on the body. It should be pointed out that whilst flogging, you should avoid organs or vulnerable flesh. When practicing flogging with longer whips it’s a good idea to try it on a pillow first so that you can practice your aim.
Dominance and Submission
This part of BDSM doesn’t have to necessarily involve Bondage and Discipline. It typically involves mental restraint and power games which can be arousing for yourself or your partner.
A dominant sexual partner will be typically known as a ‘top’, they are the ones who control the submissive by using power. They dish out any physical sexual acts like spanking, bondage, clamping or whipping. Although they are typically known as tops, they could also be the bottom in some cases, by demanding the top to perform certain acts.
A submissive sexual partner has to be in a position of trust and learning. They essentially give the power to their mind and body away to their partner, allowing them to take control. As a submissive you should always expect a level of balance in terms of your sexual boundaries and you should not be expected to exceed them. A submissive lover may not always appear as a quiet individual outside of the bedroom, it is common for confident and socially dominant individuals to act on their submissive fantasies in the bedroom.
The main thing to remember is to communicate clear boundaries so you can both have safe fun.
Find other open minded and fun-loving singles over on Plentymore Naughty Fish for adult, no-strings sexy dating.
You have been dating for a few weeks now and things are going really well. Awesome! But Christmas is right around the corner and you are stuck with the decision on whether to buy your new love a prezzie or not, and if so, what.
Buying a gift this early on in a relationship could come across as moving too fast, whereas not giving one could portray you as Scrooge’s second cousin twice removed. But before you hop on the next power sleigh towards the North Pole, let us help you with 3 gift ideas which are guaranteed to spread festive cheer without screaming ‘I think you are the one!’ (unless he/she is, then I’d still advise you to wait a couple more weeks before you propose…but we digress). Here we go:
Gifts for her:
1. Spa Treatment
Women love to be pampered so a voucher to a nice spa weekend for the two of you is bang on. The best ones offer a choice of treatments such as a mani / pedi, back massage or facial. However, weekend packages can be expensive, so either shop around or simply book some treatments at a local beauty salon. Staff can advise you which package is best.
2. Day Out Voucher
Treat her to a trip somewhere she has not been before or a place she loves and take a look at the sights. Round it off with a nice dinner and remember to take the camera for plenty of piccies for your second gift, a photo book, which will make a thoughtful keepsake. Add some creativity and make it fun, but don’t spoil the second surprise. 😉
3. Spoil Her Night
You can create a magical evening by treating her like a queen all night. Run a bath with and pour in essential oils (like relaxing lavender) and light scented candles to set the mood. Treat her to her favourite meal, rent good movie, really go all out to spoil her and make her feel special. Use your creativity, she’s guaranteed to love it! Just remember, this is not about you, so no ulterior motives gents!
Gifts for him:
The classic, yet fail-proof option. Casually ask him about his favourite brands or better, check with friends. If you aren’t prepared to fork out £30 – £60 for an aftershave, just go for the body spray option of the same brand. Best bit, your man will smell edible and who knows where that might lead?
2. Magazine / Comic Subscription
I have yet to encounter a man without a passion for something, be it technology, economy, comic books, music or trains and you are guaranteed to find a matching magazine. Most publications offer subscriptions from 3 months up to a year. If you aren’t sure, what he is into, ask his best friend or a family member.
3. Experience Day
Whether he’s into sports, the outdoors or sampling a good ale down the pub, a day centred all around him and his interests is sure to impress and gives him an opportunity to show off in front of you.
Right then, better get ordering now folks!
Christmas kisses from us all at Plentymorefish.com!
Let’s be frank, dating is not all rainbows and puppy dogs. It takes time and patience and there can be disappointments and rejections along the way. And it’s those rejections we’d like to address to help you navigate them more easily.
Don’t take it personally
You have no idea what reasons the other person has for not getting back in touch, so fretting about it does more harm than good. We know it’s not always that simple, especially if you have dated the person for a while. Think about it this way, if they don’t share your feelings about the relationship, isn’t it best if you move on?
No one likes to be rejected and it’s perfectly normal to feel upset and hurt at first. And if you’ve been dropped without any explanation it can hit you especially hard. It’s important, however, to practice self-kindness, as blaming yourself will only hurt you further. Unless you’ve been given a very clear reason why it’s not worked out, avoid jumping to conclusions as to why it didn’t last. There may be many reasons why he/she decided to break it off and they don’t have to be your fault.
Avoid a victim mindset
On the flip side of blaming yourself is blaming the other party. After a rejection, it can be very easy to slip into a victim mentality by generalising behaviour (ie. all men/woman are…). This may feel good at first, and it certainly feels easier than looking in the mirror, but in the long-term, this mindset will sabotage any real chances at finding new love and keep you feeling stuck and powerless. Again, acknowledge your feelings but don’t dwell.
After a rejection, especially when we listen to our critical inner voice, it’s easy for self-doubt and insecurities to raise their ugly heads and can leave us feeling less sure of ourselves. When we’ve been left by someone, we may find ourselves feeling out of place. It may become difficult to visit certain places, see certain people, or partake in activities for a while. However, this situation presents an opportunity to really connect with our individuality, your own needs. What is it that you enjoy doing? Who are you outside of a relationship? Focussing on defining yourself anew again, can get you out of heartbreak-mode much faster. Realising that you have a whole life outside of whatever rejection you’ve experienced, and that life will go on.
It’s true that breaking up with someone is hard to do. I don’t know anyone who actually enjoys telling someone it’s time to call quits on a relationship. Gone are the days it seems when you would meet up face to face and tell each other over dinner or coffee (as weird as that now seems looking back) that your relationship was over. Now it is all about being dumped by text, or even worse by social media.
And that is exactly what happened to a friend of mine this weekend. She phoned me in a state of disarray saying that her latest online dating match had texted her saying ‘that on reflection his life was too chaotic to add a relationship into the mix’. Whilst sympathetic to her tears, I did mention that they’d only just moved off WhatsApp messaging and gone on two physical dates, so surely he was just sparing them some social awkwardness in person. Alas, she didn’t quite see it in the same way.
But in reality is it THAT bad to dump someone by text? Surely there are times when it’s socially ok to spare each other the embarrassment of tears in public.
In an attempt to offer some impartial advice here are some instances it could be considered ok to dump someone by text.
It’s a new relationship – if you and your date are still relatively new, and have only been out three or four times then dumping by text is totally acceptable. You barely know each other and so there is nothing to be gained by a long drawn out letter (you probably don’t even know addresses yet) or a face to face meeting. In fact, if the relationship is that new you could probably just get away with disappearing off the face of the earth rather than an official break up text. No big drama.
Your date is avoiding you / you suspect they are cheating – let’s face it if the person you’ve been dating isn’t returning calls or texts or you have suspicions that they are playing the field then frankly they don’t deserve the courtesy of a break-up text. Just move on.
Your relationship is purely a digital one – if so far your relationship has been purely screen-based and conducted by social media then putting the brakes on it in the same way won’t come as out of the ordinary either.
The relationship is toxic – so you’ve been on a few dates that seemed ok, but then came a turning point and your date’s behaviour has become unstable, unhealthy and overall a little bit toxic. In this case breaking up by text message is absolutely the safest thing to do. Don’t put yourself in a 1:1 situation with them where you might get hurt. Distance is safest.
You are in a long distance relationship – if your location was poles apart and you rarely saw each other and your relationship was all done by Skype and text then it is obviously more logical (and friendly on the bank balance) to break up in this way. Seriously, though if you’ve spent months writing heartfelt essays to each other then that someone deserves a little more than your standard digital breakup.
Whilst this post is a lighthearted jest about digital breakups, if you’ve got to a point of emotional closeness, or been dating for longer than three months, seen each regularly, slept together and been mutually exclusive to each other then you really owe it to the other person in the relationship to give them your time and honesty face to face.
Have you ever dumped someone by text message or social media or had it done to you? How did you feel? Would you ever end a relationship in this way?
Let’s be honest for a moment and put it on the table; dating in your 40s is pretty grim (ok, personal experience talking, it is bleaker than a public service station restroom at the side of a deserted motorway). At 40 the competition is steeper and it becomes a whole lot more confusing and you’ll find the type of men in the over 40s dating pool very different.
Here are some truths that could help you navigate the tricky path of mature dating.
The men are having a mid-life crisis
Men like younger women. A lot of men in their 30’s and 40’s seem to have an awakening moment and panic that they’re getting old and as a knee jerk reaction go out and find the perkiest 25-year-old they can find in an attempt to settle down. Even if you are near their own age they will still see you as ‘old’ and dismiss your profile. Harsh. You may well be witty, successful, outgoing and smart but none of that matters in their heads once you are in the over 40’s club.
You attract that toy boys
An older, gorgeous, confident and self-assured woman is an absolute lure for a man in his late 20s. To them, the age gap works in their favour as you’ll be comfortable and well skilled in the bedroom and the perfect teacher for them to learn some tricks. It may suit you to end up with a 25-year-old toy-boy between the sheets but you’ll struggle to find someone old enough to suit your lifestyle and goals if you go down this path. Think late night booty calls and the wonders of dick pics…really??
You love your kids but not everyone else does
Having kids and attempting to get back to dating and relationships is tough. All the time you are mindful of their needs and emotions. You’re careful not to introduce them to every date, you question when to introduce them to the date and then you’re also trying to juggle a date around organising child care. For some guys the fact you’re a mother will discount you instantly; remember… that says way more about them than it does about you. Equally, you don’t need to introduce them to everyone unless you think that person is going to have some level of permanence in your life. If you enter a relationship be upfront about your kids and whether you realistically want more and you’ll soon find out which guys are serious about sticking around.
You’re set in your ways
Dating in your 40’s means you know what you want – this translates to you’re stubborn and won’t deviate from your ideal situation. Your list of dating dealbreakers is far more set in stone than it was when you were 25, and if you’re looking to settle down and start a family this is now crunch time and you’re going to be super picky about it.
There’s too much choice
Your phone is full of dating apps, you have RSI in your thumb from continual swiping and you’ve moved to second base (WhatsApp) with several potentially interested parties. Stop! Too much choice is a bad thing and makes it harder for you to spot the genuine guys who are real relationship material. If you want a partner with a similar professional mindset and age to your own then it is quite possibly you need to be looking at mature dating websites rather than the usual hookup apps.
You’re flying solo
Chances are that by this point all your other female friends are married, also have kids or are in long term relationships. This means that you’ve lost your partner in crime who will pull you back to reality on nights out after too many mojitos. You are flying solo with no wing woman in your corner to guide you. It can be awkward talking to your friends about your dating exploits when their lives are on a very different path and can leave you feeling a little isolated. Advice? Confide in one close friend who you really trust with your dating tales and keep it between the two of you – their advice will be invaluable and more genuine if they feel like it is something just between the two of you.
Dating in your late 30s and early 40s is complexed. Shapewear becomes your best friend and there’s a whole text acronym sub culture you don’t understand, but on the plus side you don’t have to justify your stream of one night stands to your mother anymore.
Ultimately, don’t lose hope, when you fall in love as cheesy as this sounds it really is something very special and if it was so easy to come by, well all the sense of mystery around it would be gone and it would lose the magic.
Remember at the heart of it you are an amazing woman and anyone will be lucky to have you….just be patient, don’t settle for second best and keep on searching.