WARNING! CLINGER ALERT!

Witnesses have been coming forward reporting an increase in a species called clingoros desperatim or clinger as it’s known in non-scientific circles. A clinger isn’t a new species, nor does it live on board the Enterprise, a clinger is a person (male and female) who after a very brief time of courtship has developed a Velcro-like personality and is infatuated with their object of desire.

These are the top 5 warning signals that you may be one of them:

Media Maniac

You’ve had two dates with this person and can’t wait to change your Facebook status from ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship’ and then go and declare your undying love for thou Romeo/Juliet through every possible social media outlet known to mankind and fill your darling’s feeds with soppy love poems.

Agent Double O-M-G

Taking inspiration from the father of all spies, you tell yourself you are no stalker but a secret agent protecting your honey-bunny from potential villains (competition) which means you have to do a background analysis of his/her Facebook posts, photos and friends. You know, just to be safe.

Chat Room Ninja

There you are, watching the chat window waiting for that little light to turn green and then – POW! – you strike those keys with the speed of a King Cobra “Hi sugar dumpling, I’ve missed you so much xxxx!!”

My Precious

Since you met him or her you have morphed into Gollum quietly stroking your phone whispering “Why haven’t you called me?”, before tenderly kissing the screensaver pic of your boo (which, incidentally, you downloaded from their Facebook profile without their permission). Which leads me to …

Dah dum dee dah, dah dum dee dah

…humming your favourite tune again whilst flicking through bridal mags? Or worse, you are trying on an actual wedding dress, even though you haven’t spoken to your beloved long enough to fill a twitter post?

If this sounds like you or someone you know call the CLINGER CONFINEMENT CENTRE on 0800-STOP-IT-NOW.